Hello. I am The Fragrant Mrs Duck and I am EXCELLENT.Today, My Not Excellent-At-All Husband has allowed me to use his website to send a message to our Member of Parliament who is (according to the 42-year-old juvenile in our household) FULL of FAIL*. Whatever that means.
The other day – taking time off from my full-time job of running a household that features a fully-grown idiot - I took our dog Lucy Minogue for a walk with our neighbour.
As we walked down the coast path around Portland Harbour, I told Madge how Weymouth town centre has acquired yet another lunatic in the shape of a fire-and-brimstone end-times preacher warning bored shoppers outside the 99p Shop to accept "Jayyyy-sus" in their hearts or the world will end a week next Tuesday.
The Duck's a bit annoyed by this whole World's End business, as a) he thought he had the monopoly on Weymouth-based lunacy, and b) it means he won't get his birthday presents.
"Oh, I know who that is," said Madge with an air of sorrow on her voice, "He used to be a minister in our church. We had to let him go on account of the smiting. Very sad business."
I must admit the news that Madge had the insider gossip on Our New Loony came as a bit of a shock to the system, and my reply might have been a little louder than it should have been in the circumstances:
"HE'S A MINISTER? REALLY?"
It was at this exact moment that a small man with a goatee beard and a smug look on his face walked by. On hearing my words, his face became nothing if not more smug, and the added spring in his step making him look smugger still.
So - my message for the Minister of State for School and Learners is this:
Dear Jim Knight MP,At this point I am directed to type the words "Then I was sick inna hedge". But I won't. So there.
Sorry to spoil your day and all that, but I wasn't talking about you. I was, if you'll pardon the cheap insult, talking about another idiot.
Your pal, The Fragrant Mrs Duck
PS Sort your facial hair out. It frightens the dog
* Duck note: I've had John Redwood as an MP, and am pleased to report that Mr Knight is actually rather pleasant in comparison. So there
40 comments:
Dear Mrs Duck,
Hello, how are you? I am fine thank you. I very much enjoyed reading your Internet column, and it is a credit to you that you do veer away from some of your husband's more distasteful posting habits. However, and I hope this doesn't impose upon our recent acquaintance, I feel obliged to mention the omission of *cough - wishlist-cough* in the vicinity of the phrase 'won't get his birthday presents'.
I'm frankly rather surprised that the Internet Blog program didn't auto correct it. I'm rather disappointed he hasn't forseen to add this feature in.
Kind regards,
Mrs Pseudonymph
P.S It is traditional to also claim at this point 'First'.
Hi Mrs Duck,
Still putting up with your other half? A truly noble sacrifice.
Ta
Clive
Somehow I am not convinced that this is indeed TFMD.
I want PROOF
I am SHOCKED that you think this isn't the real McCoy.
SHOCKED.
(In fact: She dictated, I typed. One or two details may have been changed for comic effect)
The real Scary would have not resisted the temptation to be sick inna hedge. Or sick-inna-strange, troll-like beard, for that matter.
Wimmen can tell these things.
And who is Magde? A Polish friend?
The minister's beard is crooked. Come to think of it, so is mine. Come to think of it, he looks a lot like me, but with more smugness.
By the way, I knew it was Scary doing the typing due to the speeling mistake.
I'm not so sure I like these New Hotness Blogger Comments. My overly high self esteem lead me to comment here, believing it would weed out all the ratchewed persons, but everytime I click on it, I get the Security Warning. Is that to filter out the not Hot people? Basically, it's just an extra click that I'm not too sure I can be arsed making.
What's ex-minister Smitey track record on these things? I have a number of projects for work and I was thinking that I may just put them off till a week next Wednesday ...
Get over it, PSD.
Life is NOT a stroll in the park.
But I thought it was ...
PSD - Posttraumatic Stress Disorder? Def not a walk in the park.
Jim Knight. JIM KNIGHT? The little tosspot who f***ed up the school entry system meaning my son has probably not got a place at the nearest school anymore?
GAH! I hope Lucy left him something to tread in.
1. I am not hot, you can tell, 'cos I always have to approach this anon.
2. I am not hot mainly 'cos the temp here hasn't moved above freezing for the last 8 weeks.
3. The proper course of action when meeting a Minister of any Govt is to hurl abuse at them & if, possible, furniture.
4. Thus the correct course of events would be "HE'S A MINISTER? REALLY? THAT TOTAL BELL-END?
I hope today's blog has been brought to the Minister of State for School and Learners' attention & that he has got the message. You Sir, are a bell-end & so are all your collegues.
German Tony - nb, this means I don't get to vote in the UK anymore & as I don't have the right to vote in Germany either I think it's high time Obama invaded yurrop & gave me democracy. Pls pass the message on to him, ta.
Tony, that whole "Invade somewhere and give them democracy" thing is SOOOOOOOO last administration.
Plz to get with the program. We are now eveybody's friend unless they are mean to us.
I am confused - is this minister a Minister like my brother SPTLM; a Preacher/Priest/Rabbi Minister or is he a Minister like a Prime Minister which is kinda like a President or a Senator or something Political like that - or is he both?
We don't get too much UK news over on this side of the pond, we are too busy trying to find a way out of our previous administration's quagmire.
Anonymous: try paying your temp more. If her wages get better she may unfreeze.
Tzonar
Anonymous: try paying your temp more. If her wages get better she may unfreeze.
Tzonar
Even if the Duck typed this, it's still nice to hear from TFMD. She has a nice straight-forward way about her. Something that leads me to believe she'll kick ass whenever/whereever necessary.
P.S. Thanks for the info, Pseudonymph!
No probs, Erin. And don't settle for a postcard or two. I'd try for a stuffed kangaroo* and work my way down from there.
*You'd be stuffed too, if you were filled with polyester and made in China.
As I am skint I have tried offering my temp some alternative measn of encouragement, to whit, 8 inches of finest British sausgage to warm her up a bit. I suspect the current frostiness is a direct result of this kind offer. Women eh?
G(i)T probably.
Anonymous: Try exaggerating the size of the tip.
Tzonar
*clicks off annoying pop up button yet again*
I was wondering where the local nutter* had got to, and now I know.
Try presenting him with a fish finger and telling him it's Jesus next time you see him.
Or, just wander around town presenting random strangers with fish fingers and telling them it's Jesus. It's good fun, and you almost never get taken away by the men with the large butterfly nets.
*The loony-tune preacher.
Misty: thought you meant JM.
Not enough poo.
Yes. Prime location for a "doggy did a whoopsie in the precinct", not a bit of it. Not even a "Jim Knight was on his way to ASDA to buy a basket of fart fruit".
There is a "sick-inna-hedge", but it's conspicuous by being NOT THERE.
Tomorrow - more poo, more woe, and possibly some willies, please. In the words of Gold 5, "Stay on target!"
Fuck
I once wrote a very stiff letter to my local Member of Parliament.
I wrote it on my penis.
And yes, it was a very long letter INDEED.
A so-called "funny" blog by AC - 6 years-old at a rough guess.
Ooo - naughtiness on the Hotness Comments!
How exciting!
Hello...?
Anybody still here?
Only I've just posted over at my place as I can't spleep yet again, and there's every chance there's a 'first' going over there.
Or if they fancy ripping the piss out of Michael Winner, they'll be in luck.
Hellooo...?
Oh well, guess I'll switch off the puter and get back under the duvet with Fuzzy Duck again.
G'night.
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