The police force.It's a dangerous business, what with all those crims and hoodies out to get you.
It's also an expensive business.
Hiding from all those nasty crims and hoodies inside a police car with a coffee cup holder and a special place to keep your doughnuts warm – whilst saving loads in shoe leather – costs about twenty grand per vehicle.
What the fuzz need, then, is some way of staying mobile – and one step ahead of those crims and hoodies – that doesn't cost the Earth.
Something that gets Plod out of his motor, yet enables him to move at high speed but also maintains the smart, dignified demeanour that we have come to expect from our guardians of whatever the law happens to be this week. Eh, kids?
And I know what you're thinking. Give 'em all a bike, just like in the old days.
And you'd be WRONG.
Because I'm proposing the latest cutting-edge technology here.
Heelies.
Cops in Heelies.
Think about it. It'd be excellent. Police boots with built-in wheels.
They work for pre-teen kids in shopping centres – they've GOT to do the business for our friendly defenders of the law.
Pc Nicebody would be able to gently plod around his beat, doing all that knees-bend evenin'-all business, a friendly wave to Mrs Perkins and the twins, a smile to the old boy he helped cross the High Street the previous week. All in a day's work.
But as soon as Johhny Drugtaker, the Taliban's friend legs it with poor old Mrs Warboys' handbag, our hero would be straight into skate mode, setting after the crim as fast as greased lightning, whistle between his lips, calling on all his beat pals, and any concerned citizen that might want to partake in a jolly hue-and-cry.
Head down, half-running, half skating, our well-trained hero sets his sights on the worthless piece of pond-life that is breaking the Queen's Peace. A mighty roar of "Stop! In the name of Mega City! Armed Judge!" strikes fear into the heart of all who behold it.
Then, grabbing hold of the back rail of a passing hover-bus, our intrepid defender of the law can wind the miscreant in hand-over-fist, giving him plenty of time to select the Hi-Ex round on his Lawgiver pistol, and blow the perp to kingdom come, before sentencing his entire family to twenty years in the iso-cubes for letting him bleed on the pavement..
Oh yes. My other idea: Dredd-style Lawgiver pistols.
For cops on Heelies.
I feel a letter to the Ministry of RIGHTEOUS JUSTICE coming on:
Dear Jack Straw,
Cops on Heelies. Go on. It's a fucking winner.
Your pal,
Albert O'Balsam
19 comments:
Have you asked any of your copper mates how they'd feel as a glorified waitress-on-skates flying through the streets of England chasing after the latest Johnny-No-Mates?
But surely all the Criminiminals would need would be a pair of heelies as well? Fell off the back of a truck and all that.
Zed: Do you think the Ministry EVER asked the Police what they thought?
Brenda: Are you suggesting that the crims might start some sort of arms race?
Reminds me of my fave typo.
We said last week that PC Smith is a defective in the police force. This was a mistake. He is a detective in the police farce.
Can you imagine the mountains of risk assessments that would be needed for that? Just create a clone army of Gene Hunts. That'll sort 'em.
Also: PC World - For all your crime fighting supplies.
Audrey - Gene Hunt.
Is that your quaint English rhyming slang?
No thats his brother Mike.
Jet packs. The way to go, surely. Gene Hunt in a jet pack. "Fire up the er...jet pack!"
All the money you would save on cars would go back into occupational and physiotherapy for all the injuries that are likely to be sustained when wheels are put on shoes... costing about twenty grand per officer, I imagine.
Erin: I've got that in hand.
You might remember the edition of Blue Peter when they showed you how to make skateboard arm and knee pads out of socks stuffed with old knickers.
So, we could call them Peelies, then?
Hmm. Twelve comments, and yet so far no-one has pointed out the typo in the very first sentence.
Scary, it would make more sense if you swapped the first 'you' in the bit 'out you get you' to a 'to'.
Just being pedantic, like.
Also, if they did clone a load of Gene Hunts and put them on heelies, would we hear the cries of 'Stop! You're surrounded by wheeled bastards!' ?
Wheeled bastards?
Or well-heeled bastards?
Gene Hunt: http://lmgtfy.com/?q=Gene+Hunt (Passive aggressive answer there for you.)
Also: the Ministry ask plod what they want too often. (ie, the excuses for 90 days of detention without charge aka internment.) The police are supposed to upload the law, not decide it.
Ta.
Errrrm! I believe one force did try coppers on roller skates a couple of years ago. The cunning masterplan for said coppers to chase evil criminal scrotes when they legged it into housing estates where their colleagues in cars could not go came unstuck. The criminals took to fleeing across grass where the peelers on wheels could not follow.
Misty: I've really got to write something about the Gremlins that change this blog when I'm not looking
Von: There's where Heelies WIN.
Scary: If you need help fighting the gremlins, just let me know, akay? ;)
"You might remember the edition of Blue Peter when they showed you how to make skateboard arm and knee pads out of socks stuffed with old knickers."
I don't, but am interested in your project and would like to hear more...
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