What kind of plank, I ask, do they employ at Tesco these days?I fear the answer may be "short, thick ones".
"Do you want a bag for that?" asks the girl at the till, a young lady clearly unencumbered by any sort of life experience.
I hold, in my hands, nothing but a six-pint bottle of semi-skimmed milk.
"No thanks. I'll be drinking it now."
And then the moment that makes you stop dead in your tracks. Her look of surprised innocence, and the single word:
"Really?"
There's only one thing for it – The Jeremy Clarkson Voice.
"Yes. Yes I am."
There is a pause as I await my change and there receipt which proves to the powers-that-be that I haven't wasted all my money on cheese spread and flip-flops. The kind of pause that certain people – planks, if you will – feel they've just got to fill.
"Well – go on then."
I fled.
Show us your money
Some of my esteemed colleagues are cycling to London next week in aid of Help For Heroes. If you're feeling generous, you may sponsor them HERE. Anyone mad enough to cycle through the capital deserves at least a tenner...
31 comments:
I came first - but I wanted us to come together, she-ducks.
They're only filling in time at the checkouts until the casting call from the reality tv show comes through.
@SD: JRH - WTF?
I set tomorrow's post to publish today by mistake.
Call that a free preview.
In other news: This site isn't as spontaneous as you think.
Somewhere there is a Tesco employee with a blog bemoaning the number of lying customers.
'Why only the other day this chap comes in and says he is going to drink ...'
@ Debster
http://notalwaysright.com/
Methinks the lass had the measure of our narrator, hoist by ones own petard I believe?
"chug chug chug chug!"
You could have really confused her by doing the 'drinking while walking around the store and paying for the empty bottle' thing.
Bottles of milk are cold, she may be worried that you have a sensitive constitution and couldn't hold it for long. She was only thinking of you and then you went and spoilt her day. If I remember correctly, there is a Morrisons in Weymouth, up the Dorchester Rd. Try the same thing in there with a creme egg and they will ask you if you're OK with your packing.
Insult of the day: she is dense enough to bend light.
Well, probably from the same employment agency as the woman in Sainsbury's who, when I asked for half-a-dozen stamps searched her till and said 'Sorry, they only come in books of 6'.
m08k: she's so thick ahe makes two short planks look like a computer.
Tzonar.
m08k: If you stand close enough to her, you can hear the sea.
"So slow, she's on dial-up"
Checkout baiting is a truly wonderful sport. Extra point are awarded, if the target becomes so confused you have to prompt them for your change.
For a view from the other side, check out (geddit?):
Anna Sams
"Les Tribulations D'une Caissierre" [French]
"Checkout: A Life On the Tills" [translation]
As an idiot savant (or just idiot), I can pass on this message I have just received from Mme. Sams, speaking on behalf of her collegues:
"M. Carnardeffrayant? - c'est un branleur total"
Checout girl: "Have a nice day!"
Scaryduck: "Too late, you just ruined it!"
Tis not fair to mock our mentally challenged brethen, innit.
Re Help for Heroes. There's no walk to the North Pole segment in this fundraiser, is there?
Westengland: Qui est vous calling un branleur, sunshine?
Wrath: No. No there isn't. I was in the SAS, you know.
According to the papers Just Giving takes 5% as fees.
Oh, and can I draw your attention to
http://www.fmft.net/archives/001469.html
En Franglais:
M. Carnardeffrayant: une misunderstanding - je suis representing le opinion de assistant de shop regardez le customer "difficulte".
L'ouestangleterre, as activist dans le movement Coop, know many assistant de shop femme (esp. les MILFs, les NILFs et les G-NILFs -tres bon!).
Je must warnez-vous: les assistants know cent-et-une ways de gettez-back at le customer "difficulte" (involment many de fluide de corps homme - tres urrgh, n'ais pas?).
Je suis suggest vous achete le store de Coop local as notre all know, Tesco: c'est merde.
I would suggest using the same phraseology as a good friend of mine when faced with a particularly thick 'till tart'...say loudly "I wonder if 'insert supermarket name here' knows a mental defective is impersonating a member of their staff?".
If you can run fast you might just escape alive :)
G-NILF is obviously an aircraft, but NILF on its own? Or have I missed something?
@ Kaptain Von - Methinks one would not need to run. Medoubts said 'till tart' would comprehend the implied insult.
Yes. Yes, I shall be burning in hell.
@ Kaptain Von - Methinks one would not need to run. Medoubts said 'till tart' would comprehend the implied insult.
Yes. Yes, I shall be burning in hell.
*this* would be fun to do
http://notalwaysright.com/trial-by-hire/2578
The Jeremy Clarkson voice - yes, come to think of it, does have that sound of "Fate about to bite your bum" about it.
However, does Fate really look that bad?
@JJ retourner en La Blighty
As "M" = Mum, so "N" = Nan, et "G-N" = Grandnan. Comprenez-vous? (Considerer, pour example: maman @c.16± > grandmaman @c.32± > grand-grand maman @c.48± - pourqoui should le GGM not yet cinquante have to portet le cardie n' slippeurs et spendez le soir regardez les TV croc de merde?).
Infortune, L'ouestangleterre's GNILF amie achete en
other side de la rue these jours, apres le experiences avec bunch de cons hommes over les annees; mais, elle could use le croisement de Zebra une jour, L'ouestangleterre reflechir.
Very nice presentation, most of my kids (9 kids at home) love the milk, specially in the morning, they are like a cats, I know, everyone said the same but my kids always use the phrase when I ask "do you want beer?" they said "No thanks, just milk. I'll be drinking it now."
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