On Dark Matter
There's a problem that's been puzzling physicists all over the world for some time now - where the bloody hell is everything? I think I've cracked it, and thought it best to write to the authority on the subject, toot sweet.
Dear Stephen Hawking
Congratulations on your recent world title in the X Games. You certainly kept your l33t Street Luge sk1llz totally under wraps, dude. I mean - who knew?
I note with some interest your theories on quantum physics, and offer you my expertise on the matter (geddit?).
I read recently that you and your esteemed colleagues in the field of theoretical physics have only managed to account for some 20 per cent of mass in the known universe, with the other 80 per cent comprising a theoretical - and, as yet, unobserved - substance known as "Dark Matter".
Steve - if I can call you that - I put it to you that you and your pals in the field of SCIENCE are looking in the wrong place.
I think you will find that all of this missing mass can be quite easily observed on the backside of any given punter coming out of a Lancashire pie shop.
For your proof, you can send that Professor Brian Cox along to check the second he comes back from his latest beano prancing about on glaciers. He's northern knows a thing or two about pie.
Incidentally, if we apply Einstein's relativity equations to this entirely new Pie Shop Theory of Universal Dynamics, it will also explain why Barnsley is still stuck in the 1970s.
Your pal,
Professor* Albert O'Balsam
* Doctor of Love-ology at the University of Luuuurve
That Nobel Prize is as good as in the bag.
There's a problem that's been puzzling physicists all over the world for some time now - where the bloody hell is everything? I think I've cracked it, and thought it best to write to the authority on the subject, toot sweet.
11 comments:
Prof Brian Cox. Clever and bonus music points. Complete d-reamboat.
But where does Mrs Miggins' π shop come into it?
That's all very well, but where is Dark Flo? I miss her terribly.
Your pedantry digest for a Thursday:
"He's northern SO HE knows a thing or two about pie"
...or similar.
PS: OMD were ace at the London show last weekend :)
Oi! I'll have you know Barnsley, jewel of the north, is about to move to 1985 to enjoy mass unemployment again.
Sorry to sound anal bout this...
...are you referriing to the size of the arse in question due to eating all the pies....
... or the bits* stuck to said arse as they're so fat they can't wipe properly?
*could be quite dark if lots of steak in pie
Dark matter is like sex when you're over 40 - if it's in the dark, it doesn't matter
I reckon its dust. That gets everywhere.
Has this really gone to Professor Hawking? I can imagine Madingley Road chuckling to the sound of a Davros-esque vocal box...
WHEN COME BRING PIE.
S. HAWKING
I bet the Doc has already determined Pi to a trillion decimal pieces. Points. Decimal points.
Also, seen on a sign in Bolton, on the way to the Reebok Stadium.
"Last pie shop before stadium".
It doesn't get any more Lancashire than that.
This won't have effect in fact, that's exactly what I believe.
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